Santa's Helpers

Santa is the big kahuna
The one who makes Christmas roll.
And elves keep all the orders straight
And update the “Naughty” scroll.

But who are all those other guys
Dressed up in stores and plazas?
Are they also working for the boss,
Are they subordinate clauses?

Hannah has left Montana

Miley-the-butcher’s shop was too small,

Just a dimple made by a wrecking ball. 

It was all she could do to keep up every day,

She just couldn’t help but get in her own way.

She tried zigging and zagging this way then that,

She took off her apron; tried a new hat,

One day she thought she’d try dancing the twerk,

Backed into the grinder; got behind in her work!

We Still Don't Know Why

No one yet knows why the hen crossed the road.

What could possibly have planted that notion?

But I saw it happen, and even three-toed,

It was poultry in motion  --  poultry in motion!

Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap . . . . . . . 

Mary Jane Who?

A re- hab center for the upper class

Gave help to many a lad and lass

But it came to an end

When a landscaper friend

Posted signage, “Keep Off the Grass”

Spiced Out

There once was a soldier named Dee

Who fought on the land and the sea

With mustard was gassed,

And pepper spray blast,

A well-seasoned veteran is he.

No Tax Due

I stopped for pint in a mason

He said, “They’ll be no tax today son!

I’m an atheist now,

If yer wondering how,

We’re a non-prophet organization!” *

*  Atheism is a non-prophet organization - George Carlin

Round Table Manners

The roundest knight in Camelot,

(And, I learned this by inference),

Gained his girth by eating PI.

The King dubbed him Sir Cumference!

Litterally Absurd

A dog by the side of the road

Whelped out her cute little load

A copper who saw

Reeled off the law

Cited for littering I’m told

Cultivate Safety

When joining a cult one expects

To link up with those he respects

But some cults are bad

And though it is sad

One must ever practice safe sects!

Change of Pace

A boy found some coins in Tibet

And swallowed them down on a bet

Mom, who was brewin’

Screamed, “How’s he doin’?”

The Doc said, “Sorry no change yet!”

Getting Ahead

Two hats at a real posh spread

Owned by a baker of bread

One said to the other

“I’ll tell you what brother,

Wait here, I’ll go on a head!”

Baseball Anyone?

I wondered why the balls I see

While standing up to bat with glee

Just keep getting bigger

When pitch pulls the trigger,

Then finally it hits me!

The Envelope

Some things in life are immovable

So tenacious and reactionary. 

No matter how hard you push the envelope

It’ll still remain stationary.

Count Your Blessings

Modern man, with his well-laid plans
Can aspire to a stately mount!
In democracy, there is always hope
For it is his vote that counts!

But the lowly serf, just digging turf
Is destined to live with goats.
For in his feudal society
It is only his Count that votes!

The Backward Poet

He wakes every morning at a nine quarter past

And lanes down the stroll to his box mail.

But, finding none there he home saunters fast

For his fast break is hot, getting stale.

Over gravy and biscuits and a tea cup of hot

He reads the news local review

But the paper news columns are jumbled and fraught

With stories of bad not good news.

Selling poems for a living, this renowned is a man

Who’s tangled up think mind’s a curse.

How does this poet make sense of a plan?

Why it’s simple, he just writes inverse!

Still in Love

  

Charles was a Harvard man,
As straight as straight can be.

Daisy was a red-neck girl
From Backwoods, Tennessee.

One fateful day Chuck lost his way;
Was lost for nigh a week

‘Til Daisy found him lyin’ there
Beside the muddy creek.

Daisy took that Harvard man
And patched his wounds and clothes,

And fed him moonshine for a month
 'Til that couple was betrothed.

He knew that it would never work,
But leavin’ made him ill.

She was just a Backwoods girl
But oh, he loved her still!

Terror in the Classroom

Miss Pettigrew, our coach in math

Was mad as mad can be!

A rubber band had hit her cheek

And raised a welt, you see.

Young Tommy Jones, a fair haired boy

Was just aiming for some fun,

But was slow to hide the evidence;

A smoking rubber-band gun!

Miss Pettigrew, she swore out loud

To purge this foul corruption,

And confiscated Tommy’s gun;

A weapon of math disruption!

Feed My Sheep

Carnivore Kate and Cannibal Joe
Grew tired of eating pigeon.
So they asked the Padre in for lunch
For a taste of true religion!

Eye Trouble

While fishing in Alaska,
Amongst the islands there,
I had a ton of fishing fun;
Even saw a grizzly bear!
Baiting hooks was my demise;
I had some trouble with my eyes,
So I bounced the old jalopy
Into town to find out why.
The doctor scratched his graying head
And pondered a solution.
I thought he was an eye doc
But he's an optical Aleutian!

Darn'dest Thing I Never Saw!

I once heard of a lumber jack
Who got caught in the milling saw.
It cut his left side clean away;
His arm, his leg, his jaw.
Someone said that he survived
But I really don't see how.
If so, I know its been some time,
He's probably all right now!